dreadedmonkeygod . net

I was heading out to L.A. on Saturday for a night on the town. The car was washed, my shoes were shined, and I was ready to roll. I just needed to hit the ATM up for a little cash and I'd be on my way.

But the ATM wasn't cooperating.

It just kept telling me, "Sorry, I can't help you right now." So I headed across the street to the supermarket, and tried to buy a box of granola bars so I can get cash back. No dice there either.

So I headed out. I had about an hour drive ahead of me, so figured I had time to get on my cellphone and get this worked out with WAMU customer service and stop off at an ATM on the way.

But customer service explained to me (at 4:45 on a Saturday) that my card had been cancelled and a new one mailed to me. Why? Because an "unnamed vendor" had a security breach, and my account information "may have been exposed". Where was the new card mailed? My old address, of course.

So, today, I get back on the phone with Washington Mutual. "The card was canceled for your security, sir," they tell me.

I explain that if they're going to cancel my card, I'd like a phone call at the very least. The CS rep explains that well over one hundred thousand customers were affected, and that notifying them all by phone simply wasn't practical.

So I tell the rep that I need to update my address, cancel the new card that was just mailed, and have a new one mailed to my current address.

He says that if I change my address over the phone, there's a 30-day waiting period before I can request a new card over the phone.

I tell him that I'll just go to a branch office, and take care of the whole thing there.

He says that if I change my address at the branch office, then they can't order a new card for 30 days. I have to either use the phone to update my address, and then go to a branch to order a new card, or the other way round.

Lovely.

ChoicePoint has a breach, so Washington Mutual cuts me off. And now I have to jump through hoops to regain access to my own money.

So here's my to-do list:

• Get a new card for my account.
• Move all my accounts to the local credit union.
• Find out how to remove all my records from ChoicePoint's database. (I'll do that via email, so y'all can read about it.)
• Find out who gave ChoicePoint my bank account information, and halt all dealings with them immediately.
• Write letters to my Congressmen urging them to hold corporations directly accountable for breaches like this. They must be properly motivated to implement strong security.

[Update 2:02pm] Just visited the local branch. Not only was my change of address not yet processed, but the rep on the phone was completely wrong about the waiting period. I can go into any branch, ask for a new card, and change my address. So this is what I did.

Disturbingly, all I had to do was present the old card. No photo ID was required.